The Food, Inc. Cinematic Gastronomic Emporium

We strive to bring you the finest in documentary film fare at reasonable prices. Just peruse the menu, and we are confident that you will leave satiated (but queasy) and maybe a little wiser about the food you eat.

Starters

Food, Inc.
This scrumptious offering, whipped up by director Robert Kenner, is a new documentary about corporate agriculture. It comes with a side of indignation and a moistened towelette to wipe away the nastiness of how food is manufactured in America.

$9
$8 for seniors or if purchased before 4 p.m.
$6 for students and children under 12

Grab Bag Graphics
A crowd pleaser! You’ll enjoy the spicily clever opening credits where the names of the filmmakers are shown as product labels on various items in a grocery store.

Included in the price of admission

Sides

Dollop of DeGette
You’ll recognize this selection, a Colorado congresswoman in action, savoring the input of a parent turned lobbyist (who lost a child to tainted food), pushing an uphill effort to reform food inspection laws. Delicious (yet low-cal) policymaking in action!

Will need to call in advance to schedule

Cornucopia of Corn
The kernel that conquered the world! This grainy and starchy item really fills you up, and is also the prime component in virtually every item on the menu. Comes subsidized and swimming in a high fructose sauce.

Will keep your wallet — and you — fat

Libelous Lima Beans
Sooo good and sooo good for you, we will not say any unkind word about them — and neither will you, if you know what’s good for ya! — especially here in Colorado, as to do so could get you sued — they are
THAT good!

Consult your lawyer
Free, if they come from Oprah Winfrey Farms

Vegetarian Soups and Salads

Leafy Spurge
For those who may get an upset stomach from all the animal-killing scenes. You might try this, but make sure you wash your greens real good as they are doused in pesticides and processed with a sprinkle of E. coli.

$Willing to pay handsomely$

Sufferin’ Soy Succotash
This unique combo of grains — mixed with heaping helpings of Monsanto’s patented GMO-engineered seeds — is offered only here. If we catch any of our competitors whipping up a bowl of this scrumptious stuff, we will send out our thugs to spy on, intimidate and sue them for stealing this recipe. We mean it!

Comes with the purchase of Round-up! weed killer

Entrees

Tainted Sirloin Tips
Once you’ve tried our beef — and see how it is prepared! — you won’t want to try it anywhere else (again!). Comes with a drizzle of E. coli, earthy flavorings from stockyards and slaughterhouses, and is fattened by corn instead of natural grasses.

Market price

Chicken Chunks
All-white meat fattened to unnatural proportions and marinated in hot, dark and corporate coops. This superfresh item (stuffed with tasty growth hormones!) comes from supercompliant farmers — or else they will end up living on the chicken feed as well.

Whatever Tyson charges

Desserts

Chunky Corporate Cheesecake
You’ll salivate over this item, craving the sweet chunks of wisdom on how to change the way we eat and produce food. You’ll leave wanting more, but feeling oddly empty that there is little you can do to work off the mass-produced corporate calories.

No charge

Doug Young is The Statesman’s outstanding film critic. He works for Sen. Mark Udall. In 2008, he won first prize for humorous writing in the Colorado Press Association’s annual contest, where he received a 100 percent score for his film reviews.