Jay Fox's Dining Guide

Food and drink may be dangerous to your health!

SOMETIMES I SAY THINGS so funny, I just crack me up. But most of the time, I just look at the world around me. That’s why I luv Las Vegas. G goes to gamble, and maybe have a Wendy bugger, but I go to dine and watch people. I remember many years ago standing at the corner of Canal and Bourbon Street in New Orleans, and I realized that watching people is as entertaining as the finest Broadway show. Sometimes it’s just the signs on the street corner. Today it was a bottle.

The label sez: Warning. Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially while opening.

Wow! I bet you think this is a champagne bottle label, or some such. Nah, it’s the label on a bottle of Diet Dr Pepper. So what gives? You think someone musta sued Dr Pepper, and they changed millions of labels? I mean how much damage can you cause opening a twist-off bottle cap? It warns “especially while opening.” What happens during “closing?” You close it so hard that the bottle — plastic mind you — not glass, flies out of your hand and … strikes the bank teller in the nose, thereby … causing her nose to bleed profusely. No! Back up to “thereby.” Causing her to miscount your cash and she gives you too much money. She then gets fired and burns your house down. I don’t know.

Y’all remember the old lady that sued McDonald’s cuz her coffee was too hot, and that cost McD tens of millions to put warnings on all their products. You probably don’t remember the warning that McDonald’s almost put on the Big Mac. It was “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.” WARNING! The special sauce may contain nuts. WARNING! The lettuce may be picked in a country not approved by Cesar Chavez. WARNING! The cheese is really not cheese. It is cheese spread, and is not endorsed by the Vermont Cheese Council. WARNING! The pickles, according to the Pickle Union, were not getting along with the mustard and ketchup — or, worst of all, with the sesame seed bun. WARNING! Royalties have not been paid to the person who put the seeds on the bun.

Remember the days when King Stoopers usta put out little munchies in the deli promoting some meat or cheese product? They’d stick a toothpick in a little cube of whatever, and put it on the counter. Well, this poor, misunderstood little old lady happened by, took a toothpick with a 1/16 inch hunk of turkey breast, and accidentally swallowed the toothpick. In the aftermath of the McDonald’s Don’t-Spill-Coffee episode, she sued. King Stoopers relented, and I don’t know if they gave her any $$ — God, I hope not — but the next thing was, the toothpicks holding the samples went away, and, in their place, were pretzel sticks.

Go back to the phrase “…especially while opening.” That’s an ominous phrase. Does that mean something could happen while closing the bottle? You could … accidentally turn it too hard and your fingers could keep on turning and turning and you could tear your rotator cuff. Or you could turn so hard that you cut your finger off and it could fly across the room and land in a bowl of punch where a little old lady took a sip and drank your finger. Life sure is dangerous.

A FOOD INVENTION. Dr. Michael Snyder, according to Bruce Goldberg in the Denver Business Journal, has invented a “full bar” that, if eaten prior to meal time, along with drinking a glass of water, will reduce your hunger by as much as 50 percent. The product costs $2.83 per. I have a better plan. If you eat a Milky Way candy bar and drink a glass of water, you will reduce your hunger by more than 50 percent, and it will only cost you $.69. Or you could have a bugger and drop your hunger by 100 percent. These guys can come up with any scam for a buck, can’t they?

DON’T GO TO THE PARTY TIME. What’s with someone inviting and then uninviting Bill Husted and Penny Parker to Mike Shanahan’s kickoff party of Children’s Hospital gala at Shanahan’s new $6 gazillion home? I don’t mind, cuz I didn’t get invited or uninvited. I don’t get invited to them shindigs. I’m number 801 on the list of 800 that get invited to all these events.

SICK FOOD. Why do some restaurateurs like to fool us? They change the expected ingredients in a common dish, and then laff at us when we discover their new creation. More often than not, the new creation is disgusting. Sometimes it causes allergic reactions with possible dire consequences. Take the chef that puts tiny nuts in the salad to give it a bit of unusual flavor. But the menu lists all the ingredients except the nuts. Surprise! Allergic reaction and maybe a lawsuit. Then there’s the blue cheese in the cole slaw at J. Alexander’s, normally a good eatery. Who puts blue cheese in cole slaw? It’s OK if you don’t call it cole slaw. Could call it cheese slaw. Or blue cole. Folks like me, who are allergic to blue cheese, would not be happy. Then there’s cilantro. Along with many others, G is extremely allergic to it. She expects it in Mexican food and certain other dishes, so she always asks. And then double-checks with a manager if the W sez there is none. But some eateries put it in dishes where you would not expect it. Like a great upscale eatery, no longer in existence, where the chef thought it would go great in the prime rib. Duh? There are many folks allergic to many things, and, while I agree they need to be careful when they eat out, restaurants also need to be aware that certain foods trigger allergies in a significant portion of the dining public. Enuf sed.

VACATION TIME. G and I and several of the clan are headed to Orlando, where we will board the Disney Magic ship for seven glorious days of eating, dining, drinking, stuffing and slurping. It’s grandson Carter’s 5th birthday present, and he invited his family. Nice of the little guy, doncha think?

BUBBLE AND SQUEAK. Y’all know where the worst place to be gagged by smoke in the air and see the ground littered with cig butts? Yep, Blue Cross of Colorado, at 7th and Broadway, the Pig Sty of Denver. Glad this ain’t my health care insurer … new eatery at the spot where for many years Garrison Street Station served great grub. It’s called Paradise Cove Bar (9199 W. Alameda Ave., Lakewood; www.paradisecovebar.com). The grub here is good, and the kitchen is open very late. Try the chicken salad sangie… Pounced on the blueberry muffin at Fisher Clark Deli and other great grub (723 S. University Blvd., Denver, 303-722-2091; www.fisherclarkdeli.com). Oh my! There is a word folks use: indescribable. I’ve never used it before, ’til now. It’s so good, I put it in a bag, and then I eat the muffin within the bag so I don’t lose any of the indescribable crumbs. They don’t have blueberry every day, so call and ask. Be sure I haven’t gotten there first. Everything in the place is great.

Cya.

Tax season is luckily over for this restaurant critic/tax consultant and Mr. Fox is back at his best, telling us about food. A little criticism, a little humor, a little sweetness, and a bit of whatever, Jay can be reached at Jay@Jayfoxcpa.com.