Thugs need work too!

Edge of Darkness
Starring Mel Gibson, Danny Huston, Ray Winstone
Directed by Martin Campbell

Jobs jobs jobs.

That’s the refrain right now. Everyone seems to be focused on creating them, getting them, and holding on to them. Quality, good-paying jobs are indeed hard to come by these days. But where they seem to be plentiful is playing a “heavy” in a Mel Gibson film. As proof, just look at this recent “want ad” posted on the Internet (which has garnered hundreds of inquiries — an indication of just how bad the economy is):

GIBSON’S BADGUY

Gibson’s Badguy is a specialty film genre whereby Mel Gibson portrays an aggrieved party — usually through the brutal killing of a family member like an estranged, but beloved daughter — and he seeks to visit painful vengeance on the bad-guy perpetrators. We are looking for exceptional people to help us portray these slimy, nasty, unforgivable bad guys who can give Mel Gibson a run for his money.

By joining this production, you also will be providing a valuable service of employing Mel Gibson himself — an attractive, yet aging, movie star — who has been unable to land a leading role for over 7 years.

The ideal thug, or bad guy, is motivated to find innovative ways to thwart Mel’s efforts at locating you and your cohorts and higher-ups. Your coworker thugs and bad guys will include some slimy corporate executives who possess and covet opulent mansions, elegant cars and fashionable clothing. These corporate coworkers are dedicated to hiding the truth from Mel and will rely upon you to cart them around and guard them against Mel’s meddling intrusions as he goes about trying to learn why you and your bosses killed his loved ones. You will not need to trouble yourself with all the details other than to know that the killing of Mel’s beloved is not limited to some random crime, but revolves around much larger, sinister plot elements involving jobs — that’s right, the very thing you are seeking. In Edge of Darkness particularly, these shady corporate big-wigs and their corrupt political collaborators are trying to create and preserve jobs — jobs that may involve toxic materials, poisoning people, and fashioning weapons of mass destruction. Gibson’s Badguy is dedicated to creating a rewarding and exciting experience — to be using your job to help provide jobs to others!

Responsibilities

• Tail Mel’s car to threaten, scare and intimidate him

• Look amazed and frustrated when Mel shakes free of your auto surveillance

• Kill many people around Mel so that he gets flustered and to help create complications and confusions

• Secretly enter Mel’s house to mess with his things and leave toxic materials behind to hurt Mel

• Devise complicated scenarios to cast doubt on Mel or throw him off track, and to cover your bosses’ tracks

Qualifications

• Ability to solicit the help of corrupt elected officials in your evil bosses’ nefarious, complex plots

• Possess the patience of Job as you sit idle in your black, menacing car parked down the street just outside the places Mel visits — and just nonchalant enough to be blatantly obvious to Mel

• Tolerant of the quirks and bizarre behavior of your psychologically twisted bosses

• Able to appear from out of nowhere at just the right time to make mischief and assault Mel

• Devise elaborate ways to poison and kill people, and threaten Mel

• Willingness to be dispatched by getting a hole blown through the back of your skull

• Skilled at driving car to run down people that are trying to help Mel, but equally skilled at being unable to elude Mel with your car

Since 1979 (Mad Max) Gibson’s Badguy has been supplying quality, yet vulnerable thugs for Mel Gibson films. We’re proud to be listed as “The Tops in Thugs” by Politi-Flix. We believe this recognition comes from our desire to provide the very best in ignominious, immoral bad-guys who can really make Mel sweat and yet allow Mel to waste you, give your colleagues what they got coming to them, and eventually solve the case.

As a Gibson’s Badguy employee, you can feel confident that your health and well-being are among our highest priorities — until it’s time for you to be beaten and dispatched by Mel. We offer a comprehensive, flexible employee benefits package that includes the latest in weaponry, stylish earpieces, a generous merchandise discount, an employer-matched 401(K) savings and profit sharing plan (only if you survive) and much more. Health and dental coverage is optional, but we do provide life insurance for next of kin.

We are an equal opportunity employer committed to providing repetitive, familiar entertainment.

The above information has been designed to indicate the general nature and level of work performed by employees within this classification. It is not designed to contain or be interpreted as a comprehensive inventory of all duties, responsibilities and qualifications required of employees assigned to the job of filmic thuggery.

Doug Young is The Statesman’s outstanding film critic. He works for U.S. Sen. Mark Udall as an environmental policy advisor.