Zombie Petition

The Crazies
Starring Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Joe Anderson
Directed by Breck Eisner

Please read this flier and sign a petition before you somnambulate into this film:

WARNING!

This film could make you sick and may be dangerous to your health!

You have been warned:
The Crazies might make you crazy!

That’s right. If you watch this movie, you might find yourself mindlessly willing to sign petitions — especially by groups who are using this film for a political campaign claiming that chemical manufacturing plants are inherently unsafe and that they must be subject to more regulations and controls than is currently in place.

You must take action NOW!

These “zombie” films MUST be stopped!

Why?

Because this film will have you stumbling out of the darkened theater believing all kinds of stuff like:

• a military aircraft can — amazingly, without detection — crash in a river above an Iowa town carrying bioengineered weapons;

• the military fails to track, monitor and promptly respond to such a crash involving such dangerous material and that they would even transport such material by plane instead of by truck or rail;

• even though the plane is intact (it does not burn or break apart but is submerged in a river) the bio-weapons can easily get released into the environment since they are (also amazingly) not in secured containers and thereby enter a town’s water supply;

• the bio-weapons are water soluble, do not affect animals, have no taste or smell, and produce delayed effects on people;

• the bio-weapons do not produce physical harm to those exposed but somehow produce mental impairments causing people to get all spacey and dumb and mindlessly murder people — especially their own family members;

• those affected are not really “zombies” as they are not interested in eating brains;

• somehow the bio-weapons are contagious to some people, but not others, and its pathway of exposure other than water is mysterious;

• instead of controlling this problem by cleaning up the polluted river and containing the flow of water, the military forcefully tries to control and contain the flow of people;

• instead of helping the poor saps who have been exposed, the military’s response is to spy on the town’s inhabitants and establish a blockade — but only along the roads leaving a vast perimeter unsecured;

• the military violently rounds-up everyone and send them to internment camps and treat them like guinea pigs so that they can get all pissed and try to break out;

• the military is overwhelmed by the number of people to quarantine;

• some people who believe that they are not sick or contagious — but never actually know for sure — find a way to break out of the stockade;

• the military gets trigger-happy and starts shooting people willy-nilly;

• the “frights” come from completely anticipated jolts and soundtrack cues;

• “zombies” can usually be dispatched just in the nick of time to save a main character;

• even though one is not present in a room and thus has no clue what is going on he can nonetheless fire a rifle through a second story window and kill a “zombie” to save a main character;

• a whole town can be on fire when it is unclear who lit the flames or how, but that it sure does create good atmosphere;

• an automated carwash can be really, really scary and menacing, especially when there are “zombies” around;

• when “zombies” are around a deserted town, people would go into spooky buildings — like a mortuary — alone to investigate strange sounds and wander around bodies underneath sheets on the slabs in the back;

• when in a dark and secluded truck stop, people are told to “stay here” while others go looking around the dark, abandoned location on their own;

• when you are fleeing a contaminated town in an SUV, be sure to continue to speed down the road by yourself when “zombies” are clearly seen on the road ahead of you;

• local law enforcement is much more capable and effective in dealing with a crisis
than our nation’s military;

• there seems to be little news coverage or knowledge by larger community that something is amiss in a small Iowa town;

• when in doubt and the situation gets out of control, invoke the nuclear option, just to be sure, even though it’s unclear how that could eradicate the bio-weapon or keep the contagion from spreading, and that such an explosion would be hard to keep secret and may cause more problems than it solves (hasn’t anyone ever heard of the ban on above ground nuclear weapons detonations?!);

AND, MOST SHOCKINGLY,

• the film can make you mindlessly believe all of the above! And, through its use of allegory, it will have you paralyzed with fear over the evils of chemical manufacturing plants, medical marijuana dispensaries, heath care reform, climate change, the federal government, taxes, the military-industrial complex, the Swine Flu shot, socialism, Obama, the filibuster, salt, obesity, “American Idol,” reality television, payday loans, smoking, killer whales, etc.

Don’t bother to think about these issues!

Don’t bother to think for yourself!

Just remember to fill out the petition!

These faux-zombie films MUST be stopped!

Save yourself!

Save the WORLD!

Stop the madness!

Doug Young is the film critic for The Colorado Statesman. He will be covering the Cannes Film Festival in May for the third year in a row.