The Social Network
Starring Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield, Armie Hammer
Directed by David Fincher
Let Me In
Starring Kodi Smit-McPhee, Chloe Moretz, Richard Jenkins
Directed by Matt Reeves
Starring Yaniv Schulman, Megan Faccio
Directed by Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman
Surfing the Internet, Politi-Flix recently came upon this curious website:
Welcome to our website.
Our group is called NERDS, which stands for Nebbishy Effeminate Radically Deficient Superheroes. If you are looking for a group that advocates the views of actual superheroes — you know, good looking, muscular, popular types who are looked up to and fawned over — you have come to the wrong place. We here at NERDS cater to a more thoughtful, nontraditional type of superhero — a person who was never a quarterback, prom royalty, or voted most popular — but who nonetheless is worthy of celebration and championing.
Whether you may have sought us out or stumbled upon us inadvertently, rest assured — your identity will not be divulged or reported. And, if you contribute to us, your donation is secret as we have filed all the requisite paperwork to give us tax-exempt status. All of the resources available to you as a member or contributor of NERDS come with a privacy guaranty.
Our platform is simple: We stand up for the little guy! We support people and causes that may be unpopular, but are worthy of consideration and attention nonetheless. We at NERDS think that there are too many groups that support traditionally fashionable and trendy causes and people. It’s time for a group that represents the interests of the rest of us — the average person that our society tends to overlook and ridicule because one may not be a supermodel, superstar, or super-anything.
Our mission is also simple: When you become a member of NERDS or just make a contribution, you are joining a special group that works to help you and people like you succeed. Here is a sampling of what you get if you become a member (and what we support even if you just choose to make a contribution):
•NERDS members are provided special, magical tools to help them hide their true identity and help them get what they want (usually, that is a female!). These tools can be in the form of computer power, blog space, or vampirism.
•NERDS will help you use these tools in a mysterious way so as to help you achieve your goals — these mysterious methods can include murky lighting, spooky moods and tones, and weirdly menacing pacing and themes. And, as an added bonus, we can even help provide a disquieting sense that nothing is real — that everything is just a put-on to keep people guessing as to what is real and what is just a figment of the imagination so that people can see you in whatever way you’d like.
•NERDS members usually have very few true friends.
•NERDS are typically threatened by bullies — people who see them as weak, goofy, socially inept, and gullible. The special, magical tools to which every NERDS member has access also help NERDS rebuff and stand up to these tormenting ne’er-do-wells, such as jocks, lawyers, litigants, cops, miscreants, etc.
•NERDS members may be sexually frustrated (and let’s be clear here, we are not passing judgment or otherwise commenting on your sexual activities or lack thereof!). In fact, NERDS may never be seen having relations with a female or any sort of intimate relations with the opposite or same sex — but NERDS will help members impress the opposite sex.
•NERDS are usually parentless — their parents are either absent, obscured, or irrelevant.
•NERDS are opposed to oppressive adults — NERDS seeks to overpower those adults who typically wish to thwart their success, such as lawyers, police officers, coaches, university presidents, CEOs, and other parents.
But don’t just take our word for it, listen to these testimonials from current NERDS members (the below members are referred to by their NERDS usernames):
The Social Network: “After I became a member of NERDS, I was given access to a computer, the Internet, algorithms, and a social networking site. This allowed me to secure all of the fawning attention that I could have possibly imagined! And to become a billionaire! I sure showed them — the people who dismissed me and treated me like a pariah. I was no longer just an anonymous nobody. I was a powerful somebody! And I didn’t even have to don a cape or lift a single dumbbell. Thanks, NERDS!”
Let Me In: “I was picked on by bullies and left alone by my divorcing, feuding parents. When I joined NERDS, I was sent an angel! Ok, so it wasn’t an angel from heaven, but it was manna for me nonetheless. She stood up for me and vanquished all my enemies. With her at my side and fighting for me, I was able to stand proud as a NERDS member and become the person that I always wanted to be. In short, NERDS saved my life.”
Catfish: “I may be divulging too much here, but I was a frustrated mother of two handicapped kids. NERDS gave me the tools to create a virtual life complete with friends and family members. This gave me the freedom and confidence to seek out people on the Internet who could be my friends and love me. It was a beautiful fantasy that helped me feel strong, powerful and wanted. NERDS gives all of us frustrated people a chance to become someone we always wanted to be, but were limited by reality. I hope that anyone else in my place seriously considers joining NERDS and becoming a part of this wonderful support network.”
Please join us today! We will not investigate your motivations and purposes for joining. We will just get to work providing you the tools to create your own fantasy world and all the power and prestige that come with that.
NERDS cannot guaranty that you will find the success that these NERDS members found. And, even the help that NERDS can provide may be fleeting and not long lasting. But, with NERDS at your side, you can become a hero — even if that means a hero just for yourself. After all, who needs all the trouble that comes with being a hero for others? People like to look down upon NERDS — even the successful ones. No, NERDS adheres to the rule that fulfilling your own sense of satisfaction is satisfactory enough for all us NERDS.
Doug Young, NERD or not NERD? All we know is that our super hero writes great film reviews.