Jay Fox's Dining Guide

FOX: HORSE DEAUVVERS

“You can find your way across this country using burger joints the
way a navigator uses stars.” — Charles Kuralt

SO YOU WANT TO BUY A 12 PACK of D/P, or some other brand of soft drink? I pick on the Pepsi folks cuz they’re the biggest pain vendor in town.

Note that soft drinks are stocked by the vendors, not by the store employees. You start down the aisle at King Stoopers or your favorite market or convenience store. Til you find your choice. 12 packs are stacked with the bar code on top. You pull a pack out, carefully so you don’t smash your toes. You turn it over so you can access the “handle,” the perforated spot on the bottom of the pack, where you can press in, hopefully not cutting your fingers on the cardboard. Now you lift the container and put it in your cart. Maybe stacking the cartons with the bar code on top and the handle on the bottom is easier for the delivery person, but it sure as hell isn’t for the customer, but then why should we count?

You go to the checkout stand where the clerk turns the carton over so she can scan the barcode. Now the “handle” is on the bottom again. The clerk could leave them with the handle up, cuz the bar code is now on the bottom, and she can slide it across the scanner. But it’s easier for her/him to use her/his hand scanner and for that she/he needs to turn the cartons over.

You go to your car, and now you turn the carton over one more time so you can grab the handle and put the carton in your car. You’re hoping that the carton won’t tear cuz it’s happened before cuz the cartons are cheap — tho not as cheap as the plastic bags they put your groceries in.

Before you get home the cartons have rolled around in your car, so you now turn them yet one more time before you put them in your refrigerator. With the handle and the “tear here” end of the carton up. So it’s convenient for you.

You sit down in your easy chair, you pop the top on one of the D/P cans, and you wonder why the soft drink industry can’t put the scan bars on the same side as the handle. Maybe even put them on more than one side.

Dunkin’ Donuts is coming to town. Whoopee doo. Y’all remember ten years ago when Krispy Kreme came, and all the nutcases spent all nite at the store on County Line Road 24/7 for days? Well, KK is long gone ‘ceptin for two stores left in the state. The company that brought them went bankrupt and sold the chain in 2006. I thought their donuts sucked, unless you got ‘em hot off the conveyor belt. Muh fav, Lamar’s Donuts, has a few stores around, but the one I go to never has any product, even when they first open. I know many of you are huge DD fans, especially certain insurance agents from Boston who drop to their knees at the mere mention of that name.

Now don’t get too excited; it’ll be 2013 before the first DD opens and there’s not a lot to tellya yet. Word is that the new franchisee will open 11 stores in the metro area. But DD corporate sez they have openings for more franchises if someone’s interested.

They do make a mighty fine cupa joe, and the DD donuts I had recently in some airport back east were perty tasty, but I’m real particular about muh donuts. If you’re into chocolate, no one does it better than our old friends, King Stoopers. But for the fancies, I go elsewhere.

Switching to burgers, what’s the fuss over Smash Burgers, and In and Out Burgers? I’ve been to both and think they’re both lousy. In and Out are cheap, tasteless itty bitty 2 oz. patties cooked well-done. The fries with the goop are good, but so what? Without repeating the story of the $65 plus it cost me to take my daughter and her family to In and Out at Disneyland, note that I don’t plan on going to one if they do come to Colorado.

The same goes for Smash Burgers. They only cook burgers well-done, as in burnt, the fries are bad, and the green beans are ok. I know, you put all that foo foo on it, you can’t taste the burger and so it’s ok. Got it.

Think about it like this. I may have told you once upon a time the sad saga of my political background. The short version: I am a nice Republican Caucasian Jewish boy from the South Bronx married to a Democrat Hispanic Catholic woman with three children from Denver.

G and I would go to all the political events. When we went to a Democrat event, I was Mr. Georgia Fox. When we went to a Republican event… actually, we didn’t go to Republican events. I went to Republican events. OK, G went to the fun ones, the ones where champagne and grub was being served. Democrats don’t serve champagne, only cheap wine and pretzels.

The children are all Democrats. The two toy poodles we had were Republicans but they never registered to vote. The same applies to these two burger joints. Everyone in my family luvs Smash Burger AND In and Out Burger. Ceptin’ me. Don’t have any dogs any more. I sit alone with no one to care besides me.

Cya.

Oh, poor Jay, looks like he’s having a bad day. Or week. But then again, that’s why we call his column “No More Mr. Nice Guy!”