Guest Columns

HUDSON: !!!URGENT —- DIVINE GUIDANCE ALERT!!!

Contributing Columnist

March 1, 2012
Elysian Fields, Heaven

CONFIDENTIAL MEMORANDUM/(PTR – 030112-001C)

Fm: St. Peter, Gatekeeper
To: All Archangels, Administrative Law Angels and Entrance Referees

Re: Tempering Mercy and Andrew Breitbart

The following directive has been approved at the ‘highest level’; however, any inquiries should be referred directly to Christian Immigration spokesperson, Cantinflas, who will be available at Mexicandayofthedeadhumor@eternaladmissions.org outside regular processing hours. Andrew Breitbart arrived unexpectedly in our entry queue early this morning. His precise location and the likely timing of his case review remain unknown. Although no Saint, it appears unlikely that we can segregate him in Purgatory for more than a few months. All personnel should be aware that video cameras have been miniaturized to the extent where they can now be hidden in collar buttons or eye glass frames. Drones have shrunk to the size of hummingbirds, and can be secreted in a pocket or purse. Please advise all screening personnel to immediately review Breitbart’s Wikipedia entry on their new h-Pads, so graciously developed for us by Steve Jobs. This is a man who will be searching for the lax enforcement of our administrative rules.

I don’t need to remind you of the complaints that have been blaring forth from Savonarola and his crew at the Inquisitors Club. Program Chairman Joe McCarthy has already scheduled a public workshop with Breitbart, titled “Truth and Technology,” on Easter weekend. The recent filing of a class action suit by the Elysian Fields branch of the HCLU on behalf of the millions of prisoners serving sentences in Purgatory for tens of thousands of years only highlights the lax sentencing which has become the norm in recent centuries. When coupled with the shoddy enforcement of punishment protocols in Purgatory by Satan’s soldiers, who are understandably focused on the vigilant oversight of their permanent residents despite recent budget constraints, there is legitimate reason to question whether unrepentant sinners have been slipping into Heaven.

Until we can fully assess the threat that Mr. Breitbart poses, Pope John the 23rd and his chorus of bleeding heart angels have been instructed to close their long running Mercy Show until further notice. All admissions personnel are directed to strictly adhere to statutory sentencing guidelines. You can readily imagine the consequences if video of a “wink-wink” disregard of established admissions standards pops up on His Tube! The Elect are already filing frequent complaints about new arrivals who continue to curse, practice birth control and enjoy sexual relations. While none of these are technically sins, they do smack of lowered standards. The Almighty’s Blue Ribbon Committee examining these issues will begin meeting again next week now that objections to its membership, filed by the Catholic Bishops Conclave, have been satisfactorily resolved. Kyrie, eleison.

Miller Hudson is one of our heavenly contributing columnists.