Cinematic alien immigrants

The following legislation has been introduced to help citizens immigrate into movie houses to see the films Prometheus and Men in Black III.


A FUTURE CINEMATIC CONGRESS
1st Session

H.R. 2012

To authorize the showing of certain films in theaters in the United States by adjusting their status as science fiction entertainments and protecting their (not so) subtle representations of issues associated with the status of alien immigrants, and for other purposes.

IN THE HOUSE OF CINEMA

June 25, 2012

Mr. YOUNG (for himself, and THE COLORADO STATESMAN) introduced the following bill; which was referred to the Committee on Celluloid and Digital Entertainment

A BILL

Be it enacted by the film community of United States of America assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE; FINDINGS; PURPOSE.

(a) Short Title—This Act may be cited as the 'Dramatic Renderings Evoking Alien Mischief Act', or 'DREAM Act'.

(b) Findings—The Cinematic Congress finds the following:

(1) The science fiction genre of Hollywood filmmaking has usually involved gooey aliens invading Earth from places outside the boundary of our solar system (although, sometimes those invasions have purportedly included Martians from our neighboring planet, which has been found by many probes and rovers to be bereft of any life currently and thus no longer presents a threat from invasion; however we Earthlings continually threaten to invade the Martian landscape so that we can set up Wal-Marts and Starbucks).

(2) Usually the Earth successfully rebuffs these invaders using the most lethal of methods—such as tiny microbes, a squadron of tweets to overwhelm their computers, or banishing them to poverty-stricken shanty-towns—whereby the intergalactic immigrants eventually have to scurry back across the vast expanse of space to their homes at the other end of tunneling wormholes.

(3) It has been discovered that science fiction films are in fact themselves political science fiction wherein the filmmakers’ alien political and social ideologies (such as their fears about policies, trends and technologies that might threaten values, beliefs, power structures, or the status quo) invade the minds of the viewers seemingly without their cognitive awareness as these implicit signals are masked under heaping gobs of wiz-bang, neat-o special effects.

(4) Two newly released science fiction films, which also possess plenty of visual panache, called Prometheus and Men in Black III, are consistent with this tradition; however, their political ideologies and messages are likely to be attacked as unacceptable by certain political forces and thus warrant special protection and granted special access to theaters in the United States.

(c) Purpose—The purpose of this Act is to grant access to theaters of films that possess certain political views and that also contain splashy special visual effects.

SEC. 2. DEFINITIONS.

In this Act:

(1) The term ‘alien’ means both extraterrestrial species (frequently hostile) that visit Earth and cause all sorts of mayhem and angst especially among the citizens of the United States, and illegal immigrants.

(2) The term ‘creation myth’ refers to a force or process by which a character or species development and behavior is explained, or at least purportedly explained, or maybe not so that sequels can be allowed cinematic resident status.

(2) The term ‘films’ means both Prometheus, a film directed by Ridley Scott and starring Noomi Rapace, Charlize Theron, and Michael Fassbender about a spaceship crew traveling to a distant planet and its moon to seek out extraterrestrials who may have visited Earth in the distant past, and Men in Black III, a film directed by Barry Sonnenfeld and starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, and Emma Thompson about a super-secret government agency that monitors the exploits of extraterrestrial species living on Earth.

(3) The term ‘science fiction’ means a cinematic genre that is typically set in the future where technology is more advanced and the characters have to stop some menace that threatens to destroy or constrain the freedoms of the human species, or something like that.

SEC. 3. PERMANENT CINEMATIC RESIDENT STATUS FOR FILMS THAT ENTERED UNITED STATES’ THEATERS AS SCIENCE FICTION.

(a) Special Rule for Certain Films That Entered the United States as Science Fiction Entertainments —

(1) IN GENERAL — Notwithstanding any other provision of cinematic law and except as otherwise provided in this Act, the films shall not be deportable from United States’ theaters even if the films demonstrate by a preponderance of the evidence that —

(A) the aliens illegally invade the territory of the Earth, or, even if they have not physically invaded the territory of the Earth but endeavor to do so from a distant planet or moon, and threaten to overtake the indigenous humanoid species and replace it with their own kind;

(B) an alien who illegally invades the Earth, but nonetheless has been an alien of good moral character since the date the alien initially entered the Earth and endeavors to help provide the building blocks for life on Earth (such as DNA or amino acids), or endeavors to help members of the indigenous humanoid species repel an invasion by other more menacing intergalactic aliens of poor moral character;

(C) an alien who illegally invades the Earth and either spreads its illegal DNA over the Earth during a time when the indigenous humanoid species was not able to defend itself against such an invasion, or tinkers with the space-time continuum so as to gain an advantage over Earth’s indigenous humanoid species and thus attempt to populate the Earth with their own kind; and

(D) the illegally invading aliens possess oozing, gooey, gross weapons designed to infiltrate and overtake the indigenous humanoid species, or are themselves oozing, gooey and gross and spew ooze when they are shot at by weapons fired by Earth’s indigenous humanoid species.

(2) SUBMISSION OF CINEMATIC BIOGRAPHIC DATA — The films may not be granted permanent cinematic resident status under this section unless the aliens eventually submit biographic data regarding their origin and reasons for wanting to invade, destroy or take over the Earth and eliminate or overpower the indigenous humanoid species in accordance with cinematic procedures involving sequels, prequels or other accepted explanatory methods.

SEC. 4. BACKGROUND CHECKS AND CONFIDENTIALITY OF INFORMATION.

(a) BACKGROUND CHECKS —

(1) REQUIREMENT FOR BACKGROUND CHECKS —The films shall utilize accepted cinematic techniques and other appropriate methods to depict creation myths —

(A) of the origins of life on Earth and the aliens or forces at work that helped establish life on Earth that lead to the rise of humanoid species and thus show that we are all — in a sense — illegal aliens in some fashion; or

(B) of the origins of the quirky relationship between two central characters who are seemingly mismatched agents defending the Earth from illegally invading aliens, which also shows that illegal aliens are themselves the explanation for these central characters’ very relationship.

(b) CONFIDENTIALITY OF INFORMATION — The films must contain elements where characters are denied critical information so that they are in the dark about the perilous parameters of their situation and relationship to the plot, and so that once the confidential information is revealed it can have a dramatic — although strained —impact on the characters understandings and beliefs about all that came before such revelations.

SEC. 5. RULE OF CRITCIAL CONSTRUCTION.

(a) RULE OF CONSTRUCTION — Nothing in this Act shall be construed as a critical endorsement of these films or an encouragement that patrons should immigrate to theaters to see them.

(b) CRITICAL RESIGNATION — Notwithstanding paragraph (a) of this section, as these films represent long-standing cinematic franchises the last entry of which appeared within these borders years ago thus creating much curiosity and geek loyalty, it is likely that any critical commentary will be irrelevant to those who wish to cross the theater threshold and enter into their alien worlds of visual wonder and thrilling action.

Rep. Doug Young represents the film community in Congress and serves as the film critic for The Colorado Statesman when not in session.