Monster bash, zombie dash

World War Z


Starring Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, Daniella Kertesz, Fana Mokoena, David Morse; directed by Marc Forster

Monsters University

Starring the voices of Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, Helen Mirren; directed by Dan Scanlon

[With apologies, this week’s column is written to the song “Monster Mash,” originally performed by Bobby “Boris” Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers, and written by Bobby Pickett and Leonard Capizzi.]
 
I was watching in the dark, late one night,

When my eyes beheld, a weary sight.
As the movies from their screen materialize,
Then suddenly, to my demise,

Brad Pitt, Daniella Kertesz and Gerry Lane in World War Z.
Photo by Jaap Buitendijk, Paramount Pictures

They did the dash, They did the zombie dash,
The zombie dash, They were a complete crash,

They did the bash, They tried hard to be brash,

They did the bash, They did the monster bash.

Monster University.
Photo by Pixar

From its replicated frenzied zombie beasts,
To the hollow folks on whom the ghoulies feast,

The ghastly plot holes rush in constant flows,

To make us choke, and hurt our brain lobes.

They did the slash, They did the movie slash,

The monster bash, They were a media splash,

They did the bash, They mined a filmic stash,

They were a gash, They were a genre gash.

The zombies were on the run, scare-training had just begun.

The spooks included Sully, Wazowski and their chums.

The scenes were mocking, Pitt making global rounds,

His gains setback by evil that abounds,

The world health doctors were unable to devise,

A cure to gulp, until Pitt could theorize.

They left a gash, They left a frightful gash,

A frightful gash, They whipped a heavy lash,

They whipped a lash, It gave us all a gash,

They left a rash, They left a filmic rash.

Foreign invasions these spooks did bring,

It seems they were governed by the same thing,

They opened the borders in wild fits and said,

“Whatever happened to just letting us all exist”?

It’s now the hash, It’s now the story hash,

The plodding hash, And it’s a hackneyed mash,

It’s now the mash, It’s all gone in a flash,

It’s now the trash, It’s now the frightful trash.

Now everything’s veiled, spooks vanish and demand,

Our fears keep scaring, they’re not vanquished off-hand,

For you the viewers this hash just won’t do,

When you get to the door tell them others sent you.

Then you can flash, Then you can flash your cash,

For filmic bask, And lose your hard-earned cash,

Then you can glance, You’ll catch my exit dash,

Then they can stash, Then they can stash your cash.

Unfortunately we can’t describe Doug Young adequately in strictly iambic pentameter, so we’ll just tell you that he is an award-winning (and poetic) film critic who works in Gov. Hickenlooper’s administration as senior policy director.