A streetcar named Woody

Woody Allen and some actors are sitting down for a table read of his script outline for his new film. It’s still being formed, but he has decided to give what he has so far a trial run and call it Blue Jasmine. The potential cast, who are all sitting around a large conference table, include Cate Blanchett, Alec Baldwin, Sally Hawkins, Andrew Dice Clay, Bobby Cannavale, Louis C.K., Michael Stuhlbarg, Peter Sarsgaard, and a number of typically Woody-esque character actors with wonderfully unique faces.

Recalling summer 2013

The group HOLLOW Speak (which stands for Hollywood Only Listens and Learns Once We Speak) is circulating the following petition hoping to recall from theaters a number of massively expensive 2013 summer Hollywood blockbusters (movies that cost between $150 million and a $bazillion to make and market) that have failed to live up to their cinematic obligations. Although these movies lost at the box office, we are not confident that Hollywood will get the message and provide intelligent, more diverse summer output.

Tranzilla (or Godformer)

Pacific Rim

Starring Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, Rinko Rikuchi; directed by Guillermo del Toro

Look! Smashing through the city! It looks like some kind of giant, lumbering lizard! It’s… it’s Godzilla! He’s back and chomping on buildings, crushing cars and hurling buses! And he can’t be killed with military weapons! Run away!

Arrr, matey…hi-ho stinker, away!

The Lone Ranger

Starring Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, Helena Bonham Carter, Tom Wilkinson, William Fichtner, Ruth Wilson; directed by Gore Verbinski

Open on a young boy in cowboy attire eating from a bag of peanuts while wandering Cheyenne Frontier Days. Intrigued by a Wild West exhibit complete with a buffalo image on the entrance tent, he goes in and finds a large room with a creaky wooden floor and exhibits lining the walls. Amazingly, he is alone as he wanders around looking at each life-sized diorama.

Monster bash, zombie dash

World War Z

Starring Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, Daniella Kertesz, Fana Mokoena, David Morse; directed by Marc Forster

Monsters University

Starring the voices of Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, Helen Mirren; directed by Dan Scanlon

Critic-Man of Steel

Man of Steel

Starring Henry Cavill, Michael Shannon, Russell Crowe, Amy Adams, Kevin Costner, Diane Lane; directed by Zack Snyder

Below are pages from an insanely popular comic book that features the return of the highly popular superhero Critic-Man in the story where he was defeated by a high-grossing cinematic superhero.

Critical pro and Khan

Star Trek: Into Darkness

Starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Benedict Cumberbatch, Peter Weller, Zoe Saldana, Alice Eve; Directed by J.J. Abrams

Huck in the muck

Excerpt from “The Adventures of a Hucklecheery Filmgoer”:

You don’t know about me without you have seen a movie by the name of Mud; but that ain’t no matter. That movie was made by Mr. Jeff Nichols, and he told a good tale, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth. That is something. I never seen any filmmaker but stumble one time or another, without it was a guy named Mud, and the kid, and maybe Neckbone. Mud — the feller what who this yarn’s about is played by Matthew McConaughey, he is — and the kid, he’s Ellis, and his pal’s named’a Neckbone is all told about in this movie, which is mostly a true movie, with some stretchers, as I said before.

Oblivious critical droning


Instructions: Launch a critical drone at target and report back findings and observations regarding threats to American filmic interests.

Target: The movie Oblivion, reportedly harboring actors Tom Cruise, Andrea Riseborough, Olga Kurylenko, Melissa Leo, and Morgan Freeman; under the direction of Joseph Kosinski.
Location: Any theater showing target movie.